Dear fat,
Please, you might want to sit down for this as what I'm about to say will upset you. After a lengthy relationship I feel it's about time I admitted - I don't like you.
The truth is, I never liked you. I tolerated your presence because... Well, actually I don't know why. Laziness I suppose. It was easier to put up with you than deal with you and after a while I grew so used to you being around that I just accepted you. But the reality is that you make me miserable.
Since you've been around I can't look at myself in the mirror without wanting to cry. You have such a stranglehold on me, and I mean that in the literal sense - you're weighing me down so much I can't breath like I used to and it frightens me. I'm worried that if you hang around for much longer I'll never be able to get rid of you and we'll be stuck with each other forever and I don't want that. You're not my friend, you never have been.
You suck the life out of me and everyone can see it, but like me they just ignore it because they don't realise how much you depress me. You've weaselled your way into my life so stealthily over these past five years and have managed to keep yourself under the radar, hiding behind the happiness I've had since meeting my beloved but you know what, today is our five year anniversary and I've realised that I'd do far better without you so I'm sorry, but I want a divorce.
In fact, a divorce would be too pleasant an ending for you. I see it so clearly now. You're the reason I wake up in the morning having had dreams about my beloved leaving me for someone thinner and prettier. You're the reason I can't face buying new clothes any more. You're the reason I don't like my new haircut and you're the reason I cry every other day because of anything. You've destroyed me from the inside and I've had enough. I want my life back.
You're history, fat.
Prepare to burn in hell.
Love,
Me.
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